O Allah, I ever ask You not to make my life easier but make me a stronger person instead. Like the sahabahiah. To be real, I could see the hardship but I never feel I am strong enough. I'm so sorry cause I feel this way. I don't know either why i turn up like this. It was so hard dealing things this way. Allah, make me feel stronger, not just by the looks. Ya Allah, show me the truth. Show me the way.. Who else I can rely on and spill things into when everybody now having their own hardship in life, I don't want to make it double.. I just want someone saying to me, "Everything is doing fine, You don't have to worry". Is this the road less traveled? Or I am having the wrong one? I know I'm not good enough, but I want to share all i have.. But, sometimes I regret it. Did I make things complicated or I make it seems complicated or I actually forgot that i was the one complicated and I should I have bear it carefully, but I wasn't. and I make it worse. and I am the real loser cause I feel that way.. Why I call my name the hujjatul? The fact is I am NOT! I am the weakest creature on earth. Don't call me the hujjatul.. don't call me any.. [emotional]

ouch!

my brother pernah tanya a rhetorical question to me: Siapa yang paling lemah dalam famili? 
She cried a lot, she spills bertimba-timba.  Remind her about this also makes she cried.

O Allah.. do i need to stop spilling like this?

Ok, nyanyi sekejap... 

Tuhan dulu pernah aku menagih simpati::Kepada manusia yang alpa jua buta
Lalu terheretlah aku dilorong gelisah::Luka hati yang berdarah kini jadi kian parah

Semalam sudah sampai ke penghujungnya::Kisah seribu duka ku harap sudah berlalu
Tak ingin lagi kuulangi kembali::Gerak dosa yang menghiris hati

Tuhan dosaku menggunung tinggi::Tapi rahmat-Mu melangit luas
Harga selautan syukurku::Hanyalah setitis nikmat-Mu di bumi
Tuhan walau taubat sering kumungkir::Namun pengampunan-Mu tak pernah bertepi
Bila selangkah kurapat pada-Mu::Seribu langkah kau rapat padaku

Allah.... Allah.... Allah....

Allah sangat dekat, lebih dekat dari nadi di leher..

i am telling myself to stop being so pathetic, this is how I should learn to get closer to Allah. Allah wants me to be a better muslim. Checking back my solat. Checking back my tahajud. Checking back the wrong doings I've done. Checking back how is the bonding I have with Him. I need to use my quality time with Him better. Is it how Allah tarbiah me not to rely on people, cause they are human being as well. and I have Allah. 


It's well said that tahajud make ourselves stronger. That's why I never heard the soldier of Allah died because of mental failure or any psychological disturbance. Rasulullah saw reminds them to get up every night and perform tahajud, then their soul remains strong and stronger. Subhanallah :)


I need to be stronger (: Since then, mujahadah is the only way.
Remembering the hardest journey that our prophet [saw] ever went through, this fine cuts slowly heals.. ya Rasulullah [saw] i am so touched everytime i watch this video, there is no others as noble as you are, and you always be. Allahumasolli'alasaiyidinamuhammad :)

i've talked to my mum in tears, word by word, trying to get everything inside out. but, i never will. Oh, mum.. how i wish you know. but i cant'. yes, the world is treating me this way. 

kakak: 

mak, kakak rasa semakin jauh dalam fikrah dengan orang sekeliling, not with kawan2 yang faham, tapi masing2 ada tanggungjawab dan corcern masing2.. i am afraid of being out spoken anyway. and about to give give..up. astagfirullah 

mum : jangan macam tu.. ya Allah. maybe kakak kena banyakkan berdiam selepas ni, baca dan ambil tahu sekadar pengetahuan.

YES, THINK BEFORE YOU TALK