Spilling

Subhnallah. Moga aturan ini yang terbaik. Kadang-kadang saya terlalu teruja dengan keinginan, kemudian berjanji, dan kemudian diuji..lantas gagal memenuhi janji. Dan sedih melihat janji tidak ditepati. Siapakah yang terbaik dalam menunaikan janji selain Allah? Allah sahaja tidak pernah memungkiri janji.

Satu perkara yang kadangkala saya terfikir ruginya jika begini. Tahun demi tahun saya dapati keadaan mengajar saya bersikap lebih protective, secured and a bit secretive. Sikap cuba berfikir dua kali ni jarang berlaku di zaman muda remaja dahulu. Indirectly saying i'm old already. Saya secara nature'nya suka bercerita, please believe me. Sampaikan apabila saya mendengar atau membaca sesuatu, saya cuba untuk fikirkan ringkasan untuk penceritaan semula. Kini saya harus teliti memilih platform, bukan semua orang boleh layan horror stories; just example.

When my mum said: "Tak semua perkara boleh dicerita", when i learnt about some social aspect in my community, when i have to take a serious attention on behalf of others and when I need to be secured in certain things. That's how the new me has been built. But, I still couldn't lie. This open face still reflects what's inside. After all, I stop publishing what I've read, I stop telling everything to everyone, I am still trying to hold my expressive voice to FB. I keep telling myself to stay focus and remind about the phase I am dealing with. I am still a newbie in most of the thing, just keeping it under control. Saya memburu platform. and trying not to be too outspoken.

Friends, this is not secret anymore. hoho. I am the one who easily can remember what people commented on me. so far, insyaAllah. So, if anyone happened to drop any comments related to how i am behaving, you can  assume that i did recognized you on how you'd judged others. Tapi jangan risau, my perception selalu di'update. Contohnya, jika dua tahun lepas anda pernah comment sikap saya yang sangat open bercakap tentang politik negara, up till certain time, i will keep nelieving that you were not really interested in it. But, after I caught yourself talking about something related, I''ve droped my first perception. There you are, finally.. Now, see what happen to me, I just speak to those who really capable to accept it.  How I know? Shall I say, experiences is something to do with this. Allahuakbar! Don't get me wrong..

A few years back, banyak perkara yang berlaku terbongkar satu persatu. Terpancul "MasyaAllah, hikmahnya begini". Jika dulu asyik terfikir, kenapa antara kita seperti bercanggah fikrah? Kenapa dulu pernah rasa not compatible? Kenapa dari dulu tak pernah senang dengan response certain pihak. Manusia memang memiliki pattern. I am glad i use to meet mine and getting use of it. Tahu kan perasaan apabila bertemu titik persamaan. Saya dah tak perlu explain satu persatu, things went smooth and catchy. Lagi best bila, orang lain sambungkan cerita kita. "That's definitely what I am trying to say!" Sambil hati bersorak happy. Akhirnya ada juga mereka yang faham and there were people to talk to.

Saya tak tahu whether others realize or not, tapi saya cukup allergic dengan 'fish'. Bukan fish kat sungai, tapi a character of being so fishy. Though. I am pretty bad in dealing with those 'fishy' thingy, that's why I feel so bad about this. I am getting over, just watch the steps. Drastic changes can cost you a boring one. I told you base on many cases. Siapa yang berubah kerana 'takutkan neraka' Allah, mungkin dia akan kepenatan. Siapa yang berubah kerana 'mahukan syurga' Allah, mungkin dia akan rasa sudah cukup. Berubahlah kerana 'redha Allah' atau kerana kasih sayang Allah, nescaya the effort to please Allah kekal sampai bila-bila. Contohnya, seorang isteri yang berpuluh tahun berkhidmat disamping suami, jikalau bukan kerana sayang dan tahu di situ letaknya redha Allah, pasti dia merasa letih.

There you are Mr Bloggie, what kept unsaid were gradually exposed. Haih~ Can I ask Allah to grant me a good listener into a package of a husband? Apa lagi nak masukkan dalam package husband? Maybe a good sense of humor? Lagi..lagi..yang akan jadi naqib saya nanti, isn't that lovely? Oh..I should keep my idealistic package of the future guaranteed aside. Telling nobody. Those who really realistic and care about Allah are really my type. Kenapa bagi saya being realistic tu penting, sebab saya slightly hate perkataan 'pura-pura'. Boleh ke kalau seeing each other and we straightly thinking of Allah? I still wondering the fact. Subhanallah, sangat indah kalau benar-benar berlaku kan. What do you think of when seeing me? Ouch! forget it.

Do you know that woman who keep in a long silence is actually in a bad anger? That's a fact, woman really cannot hold something inside herself. Let them speak, try to listen. I want to be a good teller and a good listener. And I'm not real good in both. Oh Allah, can I request one? He doesn't need to be a solution maker, or at least know how to pretend to be happy, and pretend to be listening. Smile is a good disguise anyway, i wish i could read it.  Ouch, am I going to stop?

Inilah jadinya bila weekend start on Friday, terasa Allah bagi banyak sangat masa lapang. Sampai terlupa tugas yang lebih aula.. astagfirullah :) May all be blessed, I'm a bit relieved... Alhamdulillah. Terfikir tak kenapa certain people lebih suka berceloteh di blog, sebab certain cases like me, ada yang not really good in responding directly, not really good thinker, maksud saya we are not a quick thinker, sebab tu in telephone conversation, saya banyak response "Oh", "Hmm", "Betul", "Itulah..", but i am trying to improve with "What should I put this..", "I think this will be better this way,.." , "Maybe, aturan sebegini yang terbaik,.." and just  "Maybe.."

So far, after someone told me that I'm good in story telling and making speech, I started to compare my slow thinker type with it. Ok not really, it is not comparable. If you're a good speaker doesn't mean you're a fast thinker. Maybe i am fairly good at telling what I already know, that's it..but when it come to debate..and answering thought provoking questions..I need time to think carefully. Tu yg jadi macam YB tu, trying to cover with questions and quotes.. 

Ok, last but not the least, whatever we call other people, whether they are teacher, politician, ustaz, butcher, or anything. The fact that all the people is dae'i is undeniable. So, we must leant to speak..and listen as well hi~